Bedtime in our house is chaos. Jim and I have not done ourselves any favors; every child needs us to go to sleep. We adopted the “they are only this little today” mentality and we fall asleep in their beds every night. First, I nurse Bentley to sleep. Then Jim takes Colby (our child who has never needed a lot of sleep) and I take Kyla and Cammy. We all fall asleep in Kyla’s bed until at some point I wake up and move Cam to his bed. Before that, though, we read books, then turn the lights off and make shadows on the wall with a flashlight. After the shark shadow tickles everyone to sleep, the unicorns all touch horns, and little bunny foo foo has a few rounds, I hold Kyla while Cam plays with my hair and then they ask for it: Kyla and Colby’s story.
It is the abridged, far less traumatic, child’s version of our infertility story. I told it one night as Kyla was having a grand meltdown (sometimes if I just ramble on and on it calms them down. Weird, right?) and it stuck. They ask for it every night. And on the nights that Colby is still awake when I leave Kyla’s room, I go in and tell it to him, too. Seven years of struggle summed up in a two minute bedtime story. It goes something like this (words in bold I over emphasize for dramatic effect):
‘Mommy and daddy got married and we started trying to have babies right away.
We tried, and we tried, and we tried, and we kept trying, but nothing was working so eventually we decided we needed a little help. We went to the doctor and they took blood from mommy, and they took blood from daddy, and tested it to make sure we were ok.
Once we got our results back, we started our first round of IVF. During IVF daddy had to give mommy thousands and thousands of shots. Every day daddy gave mommy shots in the back, in the belly, in the bummy, and in the leggies! (I give them tickle shots as I tell this part.)
We did our first round of IVF, and got so excited because we thought it worked and we thought we were having our baby…but it didn’t. We were so sad, but knew we needed to keep fighting and keep working hard because all we wanted was to be parents.
So we did another round of IVF, and it still didn’t work. We were so so sad, but knew we couldn’t give up hope.
So then mommy had surgery, and we did another round of IVF, but it still didn’t work. This time we were completely devastated. But. We couldn’t give up. We knew we had to keep working hard because nothing could stop us from becoming parents.
So then mommy had another surgery, and Dr. Luzzo went in and she took out all the bad stuff. When mommy was still asleep from surgery, Dr. Luzzo met with daddy and she said we needed to put our frozen babies inside mommy as soon as possible. So, when mommy woke up, daddy told mommy the plan, and we decided as soon as my body was ready we would transfer Kyla and Colby.
When that day came, Dr. Luzzo took you out of the freezer and you survived the thaw. Mommy and daddy were so proud of you because you were so brave and so strong and that is such a hard thing to do. We were so happy! So then Dr. Luzzo loaded you up, and she put you inside mommy. And we waited. And you guys stuck (this part and the next part I put my hand on Kyla’s belly and “grow”) and grew, and grew, and grew, and kept growing, and mommy’s belly got bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, until finally it came the day to push you out and meet our babies. So mommy pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed some more, and kept pushing until finally (popping sound) out came Kyla! And they wrapped you up, and they put you on my chest, and Kyla it was the happiest moment of my life. You were the first person to make me a mama, and I couldn’t believe you were real and I finally got to hold you in my arms. But, I still had a job to do. I still had to push Colby out. So I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and I kept pushing until finally (popping sound) out came Colby. And they wrapped him up, and they put him on my chest next to you, and then daddy and I were the happiest two people in the whole wide world. We finally had what we worked so hard for. We finally had our babies. And you are SO worth waiting for. We want to thank you for choosing us to be your parents because it is our favorite job in the whole wide world and we love you so so much. The end.’
Though it was really just the beginning.
If you are fighting your way through infertility treatment, keep fighting. Your path will look different. Your road will wind and bend, and nearly break you. But keep the end goal at the forefront. I know how blessed I am that this is how our story progressed, and we have since added two more beautiful babies to our mix. I know how blessed I am that I am able to tell my kids their story every night. And I hope someday it helps them realize how deeply we longed for them and how very loved they are.
If you are feeling lost, desperate, at the end of your rope with treatment, just keep in mind that it is all a part of your story and will help you become the best parent you can be. There are so many different ways to become parents: don’t stop until you are resolved.
It’s National Infertility Awareness Week. If you are one in eight you do not stand alone. I’m right here with you. Reach out. I have resources. I’ll say it again: you are not alone.
